My mother gets vex with me.

Mostly because of my language. I retaliate by reminding her I am an adult. So whatever profanity may come, shall come.

Sometimes she will say, "I want to go in town" and I say "No".

Selfish reasons, yes!

You see, this is my typical walk in town.

"Psst"

"Reds"

"Family"

"Baby"

"You have a man?"


No response leads to:

"You feel you better than me or what?"

"You does sh*t ice cream!"

"F8Ck you na girl!"

"Watch she, feel she bess!"

Clearly I am fabulous if you take time out of your day to comment and then get upset because  I ignore you.

But sometimes you get polite men, who per me being brought up properly, I will respond "Good Morning" when they say good morning to me and wish me a good day.

Sometimes I get pissed, and tell them to Haul dey Mudda C*nt!

So mummy cannot walk with me in town.

Town Walks.

My mother gets vex with me. Mostly because of my language. I retaliate by reminding her I am an adult. So whatever profanity may come, s...
So today I went for my monthly check up!

They checked my BP, weight etc. All the vitals, and then they delved into the scary abyss of the question deeper than the ocean...  How do you feel?

You know that moment when you have a million fleeting thoughts, but when put on the spot you go blank and say "I'm fine."

That did not happen to me today.

Today I was actually able to say what was going well and what was not. What I am still battling with.

Today I got a gentle reminder that it is okay to be depressed, but it is better to actually do something about it.

I spoke to one of the officers about how I felt.

He said:

"Be Present, Be Selfish."

That's my advice for today, a seed of wisdom I think is really worth a share.




Check Up!

So today I went for my monthly check up! They checked my BP, weight etc. All the vitals, and then they delved into the scary abyss of the...
 How do I really feel?

I took a huge step and I recognized I needed someone to talk to. That I cannot continue on my own anymore.

That no matter how many paintings or burpees I do, it won't stop the pain.

I am scared yet numb, knowing when I open those doors tomorrow, I am basically saying goodbye to my life as I know it.

But how bad can it be? Sometimes the most painful transitions are those that bring you to the brightest futures.

I haven't stepped through those doors yet, and I already feel like I am walking into the Arctic.

That I am about to become another statistic.

Another file.

One day I will look back.

I already know it is for the best.

But letting go is never easy.

It is one of life's biggest tests.

Growing up as a girl it is okay to cry. But when did it become not OK to feel?

How is it that the generation of Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington became the people of today, who prefer a smile on social media, than a genuine answer to the forever Facebook question, 'What's on your mind?'

Why does a sad person want attention, and not want someone to tell them it's going to be OK?

Why does no one want to acknowledge, that letting go of pain, is one of the hardest lessons we will have to learn.


How Do I Really Feel?

 How do I really feel? I took a huge step and I recognized I needed someone to talk to. That I cannot continue on my own anymore. Tha...
Does it sound trivial? The decision to eat a muffin?

It does.

But here's the thing, it is actually a conscious decision that needs to be made considering all factors.
Ingredients, calories, sodium..............UGH!

So last week we all got muffins as treats. Which is great! Who doesn't love treats!! Just as I was ready to delve into the delicious blueberry muffin. I stopped and looked at the nutrition facts, and I died inside. 352 &%^#(&! CALORIES! In a TINY muffin :(.

Deliciousness just turned into forbidden. Now the thing is, it's already forbidden. Living with PCOS you should really steer clear of every single ingredient that was in there. So I found discipline somewhere in my gut, put down the muffin and ate whole wheat Crix.

Fast forward to today, I am HANGRY I don't have lunch, and well I am SUPPOSED to be eating clean.

I just ate a blueberry muffin in less than two minutes, and now I have brain fog!

Discipline is a Son of Bitch!

To Eat or Not to Eat! The Muffin Question.

Does it sound trivial? The decision to eat a muffin? It does. But here's the thing, it is actually a conscious decision that needs ...

I have just sat down and opened Facebook, as right now it is my only form of communication.

What a life!

Here's my morning routine (today) because as you know, all ladies have a FAB morning routine!

Roll out of bed at about 6:30am (late)
Put on sports bra, sneakers and shorts.
Greet partner in kitchen.
Drink some ACV and Lemon concoction.
Lie on bed complaining about not being in the mood to work out.
Work out!
Clean.... because, who DOESN'T LOVE to clean!
Boil eggs for breakfast.
Take a shower.
Choose outfit.
Place phone on window sill ( to amplify sound of course)
Dance around room while getting ready..... PCD was my choice this morning, so you know I was really into it.

PHONE FALLS IN TOILET.

FML

Phone is in rice, out in the sun.  My phone is tanning!!!!

And I am late for work.



What's on my mind Facebook??

I have just sat down and opened Facebook, as right now it is my only form of communication. What a life! Here's my morning routine...
So I have decided to resurrect my blog! Its a bit sparse right now, but keep checking in because it is time to make some changes.

Here are a few updates!

1. I started smoking again (Horrible yet true)
2. I have lost 60lbs! ( Hard work but worth it...... Yea everyone SAYS THAT- because its true!)
3. I started a business! (The economy is kicking my butt! But hey slow and steady wins  the race)
4. I actually got an article published on Thought Catalog! ( Yes I am proud)

Now here are some hard truths that people don't like to read, but we need to recognize as a people!

I am battling depression.

It is not an easy road.

I have bad day- really bad days.

I have good days- which are pretty good!


I am taking one day at a time, come with me if you like.


Change Time!

So I have decided to resurrect my blog! Its a bit sparse right now, but keep checking in because it is time to make some changes. Here ar...
Last week Monday, I watched my father die in front of my eyes. He gestured towards me, and then reached to embrace my mother, then he was gone.

There are no words to explain how this feels.

People send their condolences, but unless they have been in the situation, they have no idea. In the space of a week I have gone from being a 30-year-old who continuously complained about "adulting", to a 30-year-old who has come to accept that this is life, and life is meant to be lived. I googled everything I could to help me work through this grief, after all, I’m a millennial and that’s what we do.

Every article spoke of what people “don’t tell you”, how to cope, that it is okay to cry, it is okay to be vulnerable. But no article identified how it affects the grieving child’s life, from their outlook on social circles to basic day to day tasks. In short, it changes absolutely everything.

Basic day to day tasks now just get done, there is no longer room for hesitation. Should I call the office now and organise the appointment? YES. Procrastination has become a thing of the past. There were times dishes would pile up in the sink and would get done later, no more, it is now or never.

Patience has become allotted to situations where patience is a necessity. No longer do I sit back and let people have meaningless conversations via instant messaging, plaguing me with excuses as to what, why, how and when. Most times they see a read message and a polite end to the conversation.

Friendships have changed. I have removed myself from those whose paths are no longer in sync with mine. I have gained a keen insight (Thanks a lot Dad) and I am finally able to see many for who they are. There is no hate nor animosity, it is a simple realization that not everyone is meant to walk this path of life together.

I have learned that life is to be lived and I am going to put down my phone. Yes, I will get the necessary business done, work, bills and all that good stuff. But whatever held me back from going on that trip, saying what I felt and standing up for myself died with my father.

Finally, I can honestly say that I can say NO. It was not something I learnt. It just happened. The loss changed my perspective without me even realizing it until I saw myself react or not react to situations and people and I know now that it is OK.

Natasha M. Lake
23.11.2016


My Father's Death: A Crash Course in Life Skills

Last week Monday, I watched my father die in front of my eyes. He gestured towards me, and then reached to embrace my mother, then he was ...
Being mixed today is celebrated on social media. When you meet people for the first time they ask "What are you?" . I have been mistaken for a Spaniard, Hispanic, Indian, Turk, Greek etc. No one ever guesses what I am correctly, there are too many cultures and races to bring up and that is fine. It makes it easier to not belong to any group in particular, and just be who I am.

Growing up I have witnessed a change in society, the broader acceptance of interacial people and couples. I was lucky enough to grow up in a home that sheltered me from racism. It never dawned on me my mother was "White" and my father was "Black". To this day people tell me I am only a quarter this and a quarter that and etc etc etc..... eventually I just hear music where their statements are being voiced, at the end of the day does it really matter? To me it does not. I am mixed, and there is nothing else to it.


Growing up at home being more black or white did not make a difference. The issue never came up at the dinner table. My father never said "I got bad customer service today because I was black!". My father has said however " There are ignorant, illiterate people that we unfortunately have to deal with". I have seen them and experienced it from a young age, and learned to turn a blind eye upon them.

At six years old , while at school I was physically pushed from the playhouse at break time because I was " not like us." The same child who did that shouted loudly in the playground that a Japanese classmate had drank blood from an Ostrich in the woods behind our school."  My second encounter was at twelve years old where I was told to go and sit with the other white person because " I did not belong here." That hit me for six, since when was I JUST white??

One day I was walking to school, and a man dressed in business attire walked towards me. I said good morning, and he spat in my face, cursed me and told me to go back to my mother country along with numerous expletives which do not deserve to be broadcasted. When I was nineteen a friend of my mother's said to me " But you are not at all what I expected, you could be one of us!" They quickly received the Trinidadian 'Steups'... nothing more, out of respect for my mother.

Fast forward years later, depending upon the ignorant social group I am either too white or too black. I have encountered the ignorants who disagree with interracial relationships quite often....which no longer deserves a response, because really who cares? It is far more damning to see close mindedness so aptly demonstrated through distrustful stares and unsolicited opinion than for me to hold hands with a black or white man.

People have tried to school me on my "blackness" which I find ridiculous, just because I was raised predominantly under my mother's so called" white" values does not mean you have to school me on being black, because NEWSFLASH I am everything, not just one particular race. What is even more hilarious is that my mother at times appears terribly distressed because she believes I know nothing about my European heritage.


The gist of it is. It's PEOPLE that make it and issue, and not just any sort of person, but the IGNORANT kind. Labels come from ignorance, unsolicited opinions come from those who feel they need an audience.At the end of the day we all bleed the same way. Every event that occurred re racism was brought by someone who was too blinkered,ignorant per lack of education and self absorbed to see past their own two feet.

The good part is though, it just shows how much we have to combat, and daily I see.. with social media and hashtags such as swirl, mixed love, etc. how far we have come.

Ignorance will never be fully erased, but ignoring it and looking past it is a wonderful way to start.

                                                              My family circa 2008



Hey I'm Mixed

Being mixed today is celebrated on social media. When you meet people for the first time they ask "What are you?" . I have been m...
All Trinidadians will know by now the hell that is Chikungunya. It is worse than most mosquito borne viruses. It's like an irritating ex boyfriend who continues to try  and contact you after you explicitly said you never wanted to see his face again, let alone hear anything that reminds you that he is breathing.

Social Media has been flooded with every possible remedy for the virus. Most popular is the paw paw leaf. That is to be crushed and the juice drank to restore blood platelets.





It works so well, it was a dream come true. In desperation I didn't even follow the instructions. I blended it with water and ate it by the spoonful. Apparently not very good for you, but within five minutes of taking it I could feel a surge of energy I had not felt in days. 

They say the effects can last from months to years after the virus, but the bonus is once you get it, you will be Chikungunya free for the rest of your life. I never thought I would say it, but I would prefer another Chikv bout again. Six weeks post Chikv and every time I wean myself off of medication thinking I am fine, I wake up two days medication free and can barely walk. My feet cannot fit into my shoes, and heels... HA HA HA they are just there to look pretty, not be worn.

Another Chikv side effect that is severely overlooked and downplayed. Decreased dexterity. Weaning off medication means a return to atrocious handwriting that is equally as painful, almost impossible task and dropping things, and realizing you have dropped them a few moments later. Normally accompanied by stares and remarks, especially when it happens on Independence Square at lunch time. Now when I drop things I just exclaim "OPA!!!" and laugh, isn't much else that can be done now is there?

Another frustration: I cannot walk at my usual pace. All those people I would mentally blast for walking like they were on a Sunday stroll. Well God really decided to show me. Now I hobble, and when medication is at its best, still walk not even half the pace I was used to. Crossing the roads in Port of Spain is the worst. Drivers "cussin" because I cannot get across the road quickly enough, which has led to many middle fingers and expletives on my part out of sheer frustration and pain.

But, it isn't all bad. Recently as I walked gingerly across the road a taxi driver poked his head out and said " Take yuh time dahlin, I know how that Chickv does be". I slowly retreated , as I had been mentally prepping myself  for another cuss out.

But the frustrations still stand. Not wanting to be dependent on medication but not being able to fully function without them is a hell of a thing.

So here is to a post weaning day, where all my plans have been shot to hell.

 Thank goodness for Netflix.


Chikungunya Life

All Trinidadians will know by now the hell that is Chikungunya. It is worse than most mosquito borne viruses. It's like an irritating e...


So it is 9:00pm and Joel Osteen is on television. Talking about bringing greatness out of a great mess. As of recent I have fallen for his preaching more so than before.

He has become my morning companion while I get ready to go work, He makes me happy and renews my vigour and faith each morning when I would much prefer to bury my head under a pillow and wake up in an alternate dimension, where all is "right" in the universe. Where there is no need to face that which became a world of disillusion and a stage for masqueraders of promise, attempting to hide insecurity, ignorance and pride behind the strut of a peacock.

 Jumping to another messenger, this is the reason I came to Blogger tonight.



Rev Run's wisdom caught my attention on Instagram today. Mainly because it is the truth. Striving to live like this may lead to labels such as self righteous but at the end of the day, its a blessing to hear that. To be exposed to the slander, Learning more and more that the gossip, while it is human nature, is a reflection (the majority of the time) of the speaker. Speaking love and happiness actually does bring more of it, and the more you call it, the more revelations of toxicity arise. 

It is a benefit, an opportunity to live, experience and see past black and white.

As his caption said " Try to be nice.. It'll enhance your life tremendously."

No One is Perfect.

So it is 9:00pm and Joel Osteen is on television. Talking about bringing greatness out of a great mess. As of recent I have fallen for hi...
 On September 9th 2014, I bought a pack of cigarette and I have not opened them since.

I had tried everything from the patch, to e cigarettes, the gum etc. Nothing had worked. Somehow this did.
Let me give you a little background  to my smoking history.

When I was a teenager, a friend came over and exclaimed that my house smelt like a cinema. I was baffled until I realized he was not speaking about a popcorn smell, but cigarette smoke. I could not have cared less, growing up smoking was part of the household. My mother, father, brother and grandmother smoked. Ashtrays were party of our crockery. I knew each brand and what each person smoked.

Benson and Hedges Special Filter
Benson and Hedges Lights
Silk Cut
Du Maurier
Du Maurier Menthol

When I joined the smoking club, my mother had quit and so had my father. Early morning I would go to the corner and buy a single cigarette and ease into my day.

When I turned 19 and came home, I was an overt chimney. The guy I was dating was demonstrably displeased, which had no effect and prompted the response of "You don't like it? Sorry about that" while lighting another one. My girlfriend who is a pharmacist tried to discourage me by telling me I would put on weight. I ignored her... Models smoke to curb their appetite, No? Fast forward some years. Soon I was accustomed to heckling when i took a break in between shifts to light up on the sidewalk with a cup of coffee. The lines bounced off me. "You're too pretty to smoke!" or the recurring "Don't you love yourself?" Sometimes depending on the frame of mind I was in a smart retort would be thrown back, especially when they became too persistent.

Fast forward again. Both parents smoke free, brother and wife smoke free and grandmother passed away to a smoking related illness (may she RIP). Yes I was still smoking. Chest pain and shortness of breath from twenty six years old and no sign of quitting. Ignorant much? Extremely so.

Last month, I don't know what overcame me. Prayers I am sure played a major role. I just decided that was it without giving myself time to doubt. I glued myself to YouTube and watched all the smoking videos, I printed out some pictures and placed them in a diary, and listed all the benefits of quitting in a timeline. It worked.

Today I can breathe fully. I can actually run without feeling as though my lungs are about to burst yet be knotted at the same time. Sometimes I do have a craving, now maybe once every 2-3 weeks if so much.

But the most beautiful thing of all is now I realise, I love myself, and before I did not.



Goodbye Smoking! Hello Love

 On September 9th 2014, I bought a pack of cigarette and I have not opened them since. I had tried everything from the patch, to e cigare...

 

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