Saturday, March 15, 2014

The "I'm Grown Up" Facade

There was a time I never wanted to grow up.I defined growing up as I saw it happening around me. All of a sudden all my friends started getting married and having babies, our conversations had turned from what clubs we would be hitting Wednesday to Sunday and the woes of studying to wedding planning and babies.

I realised later on, babies and marriage for some was not really growing up, and believing it was,was not growing up, it was merely falling into the facade of" this is what society says I should do now because I am in my mid twenties, pushing 30 and whatever". They still have the same relationship problems they did before,and the ring on the finger, the multiple babies had not changed a thing.Why? Nothing changed, emotional maturity did not magically appear because these things occurred and the foundation of all these institutions adopted was unstable, the relationship.

Growing up is not about settling down because it is that time and playing house. Nor is it about accommodating insecurities and allowing them to control you. Growing up is about developing you before throwing yourself into it all out. So many sit down in situations and massage egos, give the continuous blind eye and wonder 20 years if not months down the road why they are unhappy and spend more time trying to fix it than themselves. Loyalty is used and misconstrued to cover a multitude of sins, cycles continue out of fear of the unknown, for the preference of a safety net and most of all insecurity. You know that word everyone likes to use in third person, but shy away from the first?

Have you seen the new anti-smoking advertisement on television, that shows cigarettes are bullies? As a smoker it hit home to me, because it is true. Insecurity is no different, we allow it to control us and find ways to validate it, such as loyalty and commitment, and not the truth, the weakness of the mind and lack of self love.

Growing up is no longer marred by fear of being tied to one person, nor babies and responsibility. It is a beautiful journey of self discovery, letting go of fears and continued self development. Letting go of toxicity and recognising that all those things we once found as attractive now fall by the way side, that its okay to let go of what does not compliment and support your growth, because discovering that which does, not only makes you blossom, you are happier, stronger , successful and growing up.

A Journey of Little Footsteps:New School

There is nothing more exciting yet intimidating as the first day of school. You can be 5, 12, even in your twenties, the same thoughts still mill around in your brain, will I know anyone who is there?Will I make friends?

School in Trinidad at  five years old was still better than being at school in the United Kingdom. I was elated when I got dressed for my first day. Instead of having seasonal uniforms, I would now be wearing a simple pleated skirt and a white shirt. No more blue summer dress, with a straw boater and striped blazer!

I woke up early, and prepared for the auspicious day ahead. Everything was brand new, my shirt and skirt had been laundered and ironed to perfection, not a crease nor a pleat out of place. My hair was combed into two bunches (also known as pigtails).

Excited yet nervous, with a wave of emotions I ventured off for my first day. The first thing that struck me was the size of the school. I remember trying to look past the playground and down the hill to see where the rest of it was. 

Soon I came to find that was it. A two building school housing roughly 60 people (if so many) was my new school.

As if it was not enough, the second shock came when everyones outfits caught my eye. Everyone was in denim shorts, tee shirts and sneakers! There was no one in cute skirts, knee high socks and sandals like me. 

I hated it. I may as well have been back in England walking around the courtyard perimeter at break times. Better the devil you know than the one you do not.

Always wanting to be a chameleon of sorts, I felt like an outcast.  I heard whispers and comments and did what I do best, retreated into myself and away from the new world.  

What should have been on and off, turned into quite  learning experience as a child. I used to countdown to hometime, to retreat into my comfort zone, swim and watch television. Though thrilled with island life,a few months in, I was ready to go back to what I knew, what really was home.